I know that I usually post an inspiration board on Fridays, but today I want to post about something that is flooding my community of blog loves…a topic that I believe in greatly.
Yesterday Ez posted “Things I’m Afraid to Tell,” in response to Jess Constable’s post last week. About authenticity, past the smoke & mirrors of the blog world. Both women opening themselves & their vulnerability to us all. Spurring some of us into action to spill the beans about our insecurities, our real selves; and lessen the load on our already heavy shoulders.
This is, in no way, easy for me to write. I was trying to write this post last night, but I couldn’t get myself to even type the first sentence. Fear of judgement, fear that you might all see the real me, and never want to read Laid Off Mom again, I don’t know. I almost opted out of this post. But this morning, I awoke & I realized, “what do I have to lose?!”
So here it goes…
In highschool I was not one of the popular girls. I was one of the shy ones that, to this day, people seem to always forget they meet. If I see someone that I recently met, I usually opt out of saying hello sometimes because, in my head, they probably forgot me. I’ve had a few encounters where people I’ve said hello to, don’t have a clue as to who I am. It stings…makes you feel unimportant.
Some people’s first impressions of me, are either of 2 things…a weirdo or a bitch. A weirdo maybe, but a bitch no. I’ve struggled with this forever, it seems. I’m not as outgoing as most people, and it takes quite some time for me to warm up and give someone the privilege of seeing the real me. You’d think that being in my thirties I’d get better at first impressions, or that I wouldn’t care, but I do. I want to project my real self, but sometimes it just doesn’t pan out that way. And that’s probably why I don’t have many friends…I have a close knit group of friends…people who I open up to, people who see the real me, people I can trust.
I talk a good game about working my way up on the online ladder, and being able to work from home and take care of my family at the same time…but I’m scared…very scared. I’ve only been blogging since November, and I’m already wondering why it’s taking so long to generate some sort of income. I know that it’s gonna take time, and that it will eventually happen, but I’m too tough on myself. My husband is incredibly supportive, and he doesn’t mind that I’m home for the girls…says what I’m doing is a great thing…but I feel incredibly inadequate. I’m a Leo in most ways, and stubbornness and pride are 2 traits I know all too well. For a while, and still to this day, I hate (no detest) asking my husband for money. He says that his income is our money, but I feel like it’s his. He earned it, he worked long hours for it, it’s his. If I want something that isn’t a necessity, I will charge it, and not even mention it to him. But he knows.
I’m an apparel designer by trade, but honestly I question my taste and my style all the time. I constantly think that my designs and my taste level suck. That the reason I’m not a designer anymore is cuz my last employer saw right through me. I feel like I don’t have a set style, but that I should. My friends always make comments about garments that they see, that make them think of me & my sense of style…and I’m always surprised because I didn’t think I was projecting that certain style…I always feel like I need to hone in on one style, and not just several. My little sister is also an apparel designer, and she has a style all her own…I’ve always envied that about her.
When you hear that someone’s profession is in design, whether it be apparel design, graphic design, textile design…you automatically think of their clothes…I know I do. That they must have great clothes, or at best, clothes that coincide with their jobs. I get the feeling that I’m not one of those people. When I tell people what I do, they look at my simple jeans, my tee, my long cardi, and I think they say to themselves, “really?”
I feel like I’m a bad mom. I don’t cook great meals everyday, laundry piles up like crazy, and my daughters are entertained by the tv, more often that I’d like to admit. I wanna be a good mom, a great mom…someone my girls look up to…but sometimes I feel like I’m doing more bad than good.
It took a lot out of me to really look at myself and admit all these things to you. But I see this post as therapy for me, and I hope that what you take out of this post is that life isn’t perfect. The bloggosphere is not perfect. We all have problems, insecurities, and issues with ourselves…but it’s completely alright. I have always been a believer in being yourself…authentic. It’s the best way to be. And believe it or not, it’s harder to pretend to be someone that you’re not…to try to keep up with a lie. Truth is secure, comforting…love.
For a list of what other bloggers have written on the same topic, check out Ez’s post here.